You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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