Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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