Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
