rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
