she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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