On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
