i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
