How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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