I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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