it's too hot outside to masturbate.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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