I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
