My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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