If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
