sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
