Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
