Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
