Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize