I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize