I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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