I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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