I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
