Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
