He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
