I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
