when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
