I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
