thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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