3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
