just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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