Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
