direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
