Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
