matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have already put on my inside pants.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
