dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
