so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
