Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
