Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?