FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn