im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.