Texts From Last Night

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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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  (706): Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later http://tfl.nu/a02r
  Replies (26) Good night (7644) Bad night (2000)
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  (408): View more from California

  He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.

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  (408): He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize. http://tfl.nu/u4mt
  Replies (29) Good night (825) Bad night (6547)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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  (724): Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part. http://tfl.nu/1dsi
  Replies (28) Good night (8061) Bad night (1300)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?

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  (609): why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures? http://tfl.nu/ty0v
  Replies (6) Good night (2101) Bad night (1059)
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  (949): View more from California

  It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.

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  (949): It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his. http://tfl.nu/sru1
  Replies (5) Good night (2361) Bad night (946)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.

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  (860): i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge. http://tfl.nu/tn6n
  Replies (11) Good night (986) Bad night (2384)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list

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  (573): welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list http://tfl.nu/7gq6
  Replies (4) Good night (1241) Bad night (675)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...

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  (513): So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face... http://tfl.nu/mkbe
  Replies (3) Good night (1525) Bad night (832)
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  (831): View more from California

  i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

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  (831): i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila http://tfl.nu/efvv
  Replies (8) Good night (1606) Bad night (603)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking

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  (617): College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking http://tfl.nu/tpd8
  Replies (9) Good night (1844) Bad night (547)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer

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  (440): Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer http://tfl.nu/t9hh
  Replies (4) Good night (1188) Bad night (425)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.

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  (360): Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass. http://tfl.nu/ehtn
  Replies (8) Good night (1801) Bad night (503)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.

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  (484): His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/tfvq
  Replies (2) Good night (311) Bad night (629)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida

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  (616): dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die (1-616): that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida http://tfl.nu/3jsk
  Replies (6) Good night (1198) Bad night (503)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."

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  (901): I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking." http://tfl.nu/tuv1
  Replies (3) Good night (559) Bad night (228)

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