where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
