FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers