I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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