i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
