Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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