70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
