how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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