the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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