I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
