I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
