no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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