youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.