I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Someone signed my nipple.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
