Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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