Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
