Tell her she can't have a vagina
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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