my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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