Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
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I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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