I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
