just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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